Lord, Is it I?

John 13:21-22 "After saying this Jesus was troubled in spirit, and declared, "Very truly, I tell you, one of you will betray me." The disciples looked at one another, uncertain of whom he was speaking."

I'm sure that the disciples were disheartened to hear that one of them was a betrayer. If they had not suspected this, I'm sure the news was shocking. They had lived and walked and learned and traveled together for three years. How is it that one can live in the presence of the Lord Jesus for three years with a close group of friends and yet not know something this important?

I recently went on a Walk to Emmaus journey for the weekend with a group of women, most of whom I had never met. By the end of the weekend, I am sure that we knew things about each other that made us feel like close friends. I know many of their likes and dislikes, food sensitivities, and even sleeping habits. Even after such an intensive weekend of fellowship and learning, however, I'm sure there are many more things that I don't know and might even be shocked to hear. As close as we grew in our friendship over a weekend, I still don't know everything. It surprises me that even after many years of marriage, some people come to realize that they don't really know everything there is to know about their spouse.

So, how is it that the disciples should expect to know everything about this betrayer? There had been few indications of his change of heart before now unless the disciples had seen the clues. We see them because writers like John point them out to us, but would we necessarily see them in "real time"? And what about his change of heart? This betrayer had been a close confidant and follower of Jesus. He had been chosen by the Lord as one of the disciples to follow and learn. He had been empowered to heal and sent out with the others. He had witnessed the most amazing miracles one could ever witness - including Lazarus' resurrection from the dead! How could he have doubts? How could he betray Jesus?

We are quick to point our finger at Judas and quick to judge his action, however necessary it is for this divine sacrifice to occur. Are we as quick to forgive Judas when he has a change of heart and throws the money back at those who had paid him for the deed of betrayal? Are we as quick to see his distress and hurting heart as he realizes that his actions will lead to the death of the friend that he has loved and lived with for the most important three years of his entire life?

And are we so quick to recognize his actions in our own lives? Do we betray Jesus when we walk by the homeless one on the street, pretending not to see? Do we betray Jesus when we talk about someone in a negative way? Do we betray Jesus when we speak or act like a Christian in one setting, but not in all settings? Do we betray Jesus when we show by our actions that we don't really love others in the way that God would have us love them?

As we face the Garden of Gethsemane with our Lord Jesus and hear his prayer for God's will, let us also remember his prayers for us and for our faithfulness, even knowing that we will, at times, betray him.

How have you betrayed our Lord today? What will you do about it now?

Dear God,
Two words that you will never refuse to answer are "Forgive me." Hear our heart's cry for help. Forgive our failures, and help us to understand more how much you love us even when we betray you, and how much you long for a relationship with us. Thank you, Lord Jesus, for loving us so much. Amen.